Theory of Reality

More than 40 years ago I read a quote by Robert J. Ringer in a book he wrote, Winning Through Intimidation. He described what he called a Theory of Reality in this way: "Reality isn't the way you wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are." It was one of the most simple and profound statements I have ever read. I no longer have a copy of the book, but I remember that he went on to further explain, that if we do not embrace reality as our friend, then reality will prove to be a vicious enemy that always works against us.

Let's unpack this statement a bit. Reality isn't the way we wish things to be. When the popular show, American Idol first came out, my daughter Stacy discovered it while she was channel surfing. People were auditioning for the show, and we were amazed to see how many of them thought they had the musical talent to win the competition, when in fact they were horrible, and the judges expressed that reality to them. It didn't matter how strongly they wished to be or thought themselves to be talented singers, the reality was that they were awful. Their reality told them that they were the next American Idol. The judges, and the vast majority of the listening audience saw something else. Which was true reality? Take a look. Warning: this is painful to watch.

You want to think that people like this learn from reality and embrace it rather than letting it crush them. The sad fact of the matter is that many people simply don't accept reality about them and the way to live in a real world. The consequences of that are that they create a world with a different set of values that fly in the face of reality. There are a few commercials currently running on television that I like. It shows people walking with a severe lean to their gate.

Here is the other part of the Theory of Reality: Reality is not the way things appear to be. There is a stretch of highway that runs through the mountains in a beautiful part of Interstate 70 in Utah. From all appearances, you look to be going downhill, while in fact you are climbing. I always ask the people in the car with me if they think we are going uphill or downhill. They agree with my observation until I take my foot off the gas and we begin to slow down pretty quickly. It is an optical illusion. Regardless of the appearances, the facts don't agree.

What are the consequences of ignoring the Theory of Reality? Like the person who lives life on a slant in a straight up-and-down world will tend to fall, or will bump into things. I have a friend who lives a pretty tragic life this way, and she has a difficult time keeping friends. She talks a lot about life according to her truth, my truth, and other's truth. It is like she's the person in the picture above walking on a slant. To her everybody else looks crooked, but to the other 5 people in the photo, she is walking on a slant. Who is living in reality? 

One definition of integrity is the quality of being whole or undivided. You might say that a person of integrity is a whole person. How he sees himself corresponds to how others see him. Though not all of his friends and acquaintances know him at the same level, there is significant resonance with how they generally know him. There will also be resonance with how he is known by those closest to him--his wife, his children, and certain other family members. This will also correspond with how God, who knows all sees him. 

Where a person's integrity breaks down is when there is dissonance among these various views of a person. This is all too common with people who are charismatic and gifted leaders who function in a public role. If they are able to look really good in front of others then they can make lots of friends and influence a lot of people. Because they only spend a limited and very manageable amount of time in these public settings, they can maintain a very polished image of themselves. 

Where the rub often comes is when things are not so pleasant at home. Quality marriages, families, and friendships take a lot of time and hard work. It may be that the rewards of hard work in the trenches of marriage, children, and mutual friendships don't compare with the rewards of public notice and the accolades that come with it. What is reality for the person who is a tremendous success in the eyes of maybe hundreds or even thousands of people who are influenced by him while at the same time he is failing as a husband, father, and friend? Of these two kinds of relationships, which matters the most? Which should matter the most?

I would contend that the way this person is seen by those closest in relationship to him (his wife, his children, and God) is more realistic than those who see him only at his best in public. Based on the above mentioned Theory of Reality, this person is in a very precarious situation where reality will work against him. He will have to live a double life and invest increasing amounts of time to maintain the ruse. 

I am not saying that a very successful, charismatic leader cannot have a stellar, genuine relationship with his wife, his children, and his good friends, and be a person of integrity. It takes a lot of work, but it is more than worth it.