Reintegra:Helping Survivors to Thrive

Last year a friend and former coworker of mine asked me to join the Board of a small Non-Profit Organization he started. The name of the Organization is Reintegra USA. Reintegra is the Spanish word for Reintegrate The word is descriptive of the principal function of the organization. We help survivors of sex traficking to reintegrate in mainstream life so that they can thrive in life.

In December of last year (2015) the five of us on the Board spent 4 days in Mexico City. In the course of those 4 days we met several incredible people, including many of the young women who have survived the horrific experience of being trafficked, and are in the process of being healed and restored and reintegrated.

The Day I Met Stan the Man

Baseball Hall of Famer Stan (The Man) Musial passed away last week. He was an incredible baseball player and a quality man. I had the chance to meet him in St. Louis in 1964. My American Legion Baseball team (Ages 16-19) won the National Championship. The prize for the championship was a free trip to the Major League World Series. My entire team was flown to St. Louis where we got to attend the first two games of the World Series which featured the St. Louis Cardinals and the New York Yankees. Let's just say that it was a cool experience for this 16 year old kid.

The Cards won the first game, and the Yankees won the second. Immediately after the second game, our team was bussed to the St. Louis Airport, where we had a three-hour wait for our return flight to Los Angeles. While seated in the American Airlines Terminal, the thought occurred to me that both the Cards and the Yankees might be traveling back to New York for Game 3. Having read a Sports Illustrated Advertisement for United Airlines that boasted that 90% of all Major League Baseball teams fly United, I snuck over to the United Terminal just to see what I could see.

When I arrived, I was the only person there, but just minutes after, I saw a trickle of people coming my way. The first person I recognized was Tim McCarver, the catcher for the Cards. Shortly after that Roger Craig, a Pitcher for the Cards came up to me and began reading the patch on my gold blazer. (Our whole team had to wear these bright gold blazers with a big embroidered patch that read, "World Champions" along with more details about our team.) Roger Craig read the patch and extended his hand and said, "Congratulations son."

Next came Stan the Man who was with his wife. Musial retired in 1963, but became the Vice President of the Cardinals in 1964. He walked right up to me and after glancing at the patch on my jacket said to me, "I saw you guys in my binoculars sitting in the right field box seats. I wondered who you guys were." Then he too shook my hand and congratulated me. At that very moment, some of my other teammates got the same idea that I had and came running down the concourse toward me. One of the star players on our team went right up to Stan the Man, and said, "Mr. Musial, my dad played ball with you in the minor leagues. Do you remember him?" Musial politely asked my teammate, "Well what is his name son? My teammate told him the name of his dad, George Fingers. Musial wrapped his hand around his chin in a meditative posture and responded, "No son, I don't remember ever playing with a man by that name."

The name of my teammate is Rollie Fingers, who would go on to become a Hall of Famer himself. He was the second relief pitcher to be voted into the Hall of Fame, and he is only one of 8 Major League players to have his number retired by two different teams (Oakland A's and Milwaukee Brewers). Stan Musial didn't remember George Fingers, but I'm sure he was able to follow Rollie's entire career through the major leagues.

Theory of Reality

More than 40 years ago I read a quote by Robert J. Ringer in a book he wrote, Winning Through Intimidation. He described what he called a Theory of Reality in this way: "Reality isn't the way you wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are." It was one of the most simple and profound statements I have ever read. I no longer have a copy of the book, but I remember that he went on to further explain, that if we do not embrace reality as our friend, then reality will prove to be a vicious enemy that always works against us.

Let's unpack this statement a bit. Reality isn't the way we wish things to be. When the popular show, American Idol first came out, my daughter Stacy discovered it while she was channel surfing. People were auditioning for the show, and we were amazed to see how many of them thought they had the musical talent to win the competition, when in fact they were horrible, and the judges expressed that reality to them. It didn't matter how strongly they wished to be or thought themselves to be talented singers, the reality was that they were awful. Their reality told them that they were the next American Idol. The judges, and the vast majority of the listening audience saw something else. Which was true reality? Take a look. Warning: this is painful to watch.

You want to think that people like this learn from reality and embrace it rather than letting it crush them. The sad fact of the matter is that many people simply don't accept reality about them and the way to live in a real world. The consequences of that are that they create a world with a different set of values that fly in the face of reality. There are a few commercials currently running on television that I like. It shows people walking with a severe lean to their gate.

Here is the other part of the Theory of Reality: Reality is not the way things appear to be. There is a stretch of highway that runs through the mountains in a beautiful part of Interstate 70 in Utah. From all appearances, you look to be going downhill, while in fact you are climbing. I always ask the people in the car with me if they think we are going uphill or downhill. They agree with my observation until I take my foot off the gas and we begin to slow down pretty quickly. It is an optical illusion. Regardless of the appearances, the facts don't agree.

What are the consequences of ignoring the Theory of Reality? Like the person who lives life on a slant in a straight up-and-down world will tend to fall, or will bump into things. I have a friend who lives a pretty tragic life this way, and she has a difficult time keeping friends. She talks a lot about life according to her truth, my truth, and other's truth. It is like she's the person in the picture above walking on a slant. To her everybody else looks crooked, but to the other 5 people in the photo, she is walking on a slant. Who is living in reality? 

One definition of integrity is the quality of being whole or undivided. You might say that a person of integrity is a whole person. How he sees himself corresponds to how others see him. Though not all of his friends and acquaintances know him at the same level, there is significant resonance with how they generally know him. There will also be resonance with how he is known by those closest to him--his wife, his children, and certain other family members. This will also correspond with how God, who knows all sees him. 

Where a person's integrity breaks down is when there is dissonance among these various views of a person. This is all too common with people who are charismatic and gifted leaders who function in a public role. If they are able to look really good in front of others then they can make lots of friends and influence a lot of people. Because they only spend a limited and very manageable amount of time in these public settings, they can maintain a very polished image of themselves. 

Where the rub often comes is when things are not so pleasant at home. Quality marriages, families, and friendships take a lot of time and hard work. It may be that the rewards of hard work in the trenches of marriage, children, and mutual friendships don't compare with the rewards of public notice and the accolades that come with it. What is reality for the person who is a tremendous success in the eyes of maybe hundreds or even thousands of people who are influenced by him while at the same time he is failing as a husband, father, and friend? Of these two kinds of relationships, which matters the most? Which should matter the most?

I would contend that the way this person is seen by those closest in relationship to him (his wife, his children, and God) is more realistic than those who see him only at his best in public. Based on the above mentioned Theory of Reality, this person is in a very precarious situation where reality will work against him. He will have to live a double life and invest increasing amounts of time to maintain the ruse. 

I am not saying that a very successful, charismatic leader cannot have a stellar, genuine relationship with his wife, his children, and his good friends, and be a person of integrity. It takes a lot of work, but it is more than worth it.

The Basis for Conspiracy Theories

When my friends and family members ask me a question like...

"What do you think the odds are that the Rockies will win the World Series?"
"What sort of chance do I have of winning the lottery?"

The standard answer I give them is "About a 50% chance." My reasoning is that there are only two possibilities. It either will happen or it will not happen, so the odds are 50-50.

It sounds a bit ridiculous, and the answer is not based at all on real probabilities or statistical research. It is overly simplistic to conclude that if there are only two possible outcomes, then they are both equally plausible. As ridiculous as this seems, lots of people make some pretty compelling arguments based on the either it will happen or it won't. You may not recognize the name Lloyd Christian, but he was the character played by Jim Carey in the classic movie, Dumb and Dumber. You may remember the scene where he is smitten by the beauty and charm of Mary Swanson. He boldly goes for it:

Lloyd: "What are my chances (with you)??
Mary: "Not good."
Lloyd: "You mean not good like one out of a hundred?"
Mary: "I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd: "So you're telling me there's a chance...YEAH!!!"

You can watch it on this youtube link:
Lloyd and Mary

"So you're telling me there's a chance."

Again, it sounds pretty ridiculous, but it is frightening that many people, against all measures of sound reason, make ridiculous claims that fly in the face of sound judgement.

In 1983 Martin Scorsese produced The Last Temptation of Christ. It was a work of fiction that at the time got the Christian community all riled up, because of the non-historical and non-biblical representation of Jesus. Part of the story involves Jesus marrying Mary Magdelene and having a child by her. Scorsese was just making a provocative fictitious movie based on a highly revered character, but I recall at the time having multiple conversations with people who were convinced not only that it could have happened, but that it most likely did happen.

The basis for this and probably most conspiracy theories is related to the same logic that says either it happened or it didn't. Even though historical research and the biblical record presents no evidence that Jesus married Mary Magdalene, nowhere in history or in the bible is it recorded that he didn't. This sort of argument is also often called an argument from silence.

Recently I heard a sermon at church, where the pastor was commenting on the age of the 12 disciples. There is no biblical reference to their actual ages when they first began to follow Jesus. The pastor referred to a Rabbinical scholar who reasoned that according the Jewish tradition of the times, most of the disciples were as young as 12 or 13 years old when they first met Jesus. Hey, why not? Because we have no reliable historical or biblical record of their ages, why couldn't they have been as young as 12 or 13? For many folks these days, making an argument from silence is the same as being given a huge white space in which to paint in all sorts of possibilities.

Here are some more examples:

Assassination of JFK: Here's how the argument goes:

Lee Harvey Oswald may not have been the only shooter (either he was or he wasn't), which leads to...
Lee Harvey Oswald probably didn't act alone, which leads to...
Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone, and the truth is being covered up.

Remote possibility becomes plausibility, which becomes certainty, even if it flies in the face of the least bit of evidence.

9/11 Conspiracy Theories: Most of these theories allege that the United States government conducted the 9/11 attacks or knew beforehand the attacks would happen but deliberately did nothing to prevent it in order to drastically alarm and sway public opinion to favor war. 9/11 conspiracy theories also suggest other conspirators were involved.

Here's how this argument goes:

We have absolutely no evidence that others were involved in the 9/11 terror attack, which leads to...
Even though we have no evidence of others involved, that doesn't rule out the possibility that others were involved. (either they were or they were not involved) which leads to...
It is plausible to believe that there were other entities responsible for this act of terror, which leads to...
Most likely, there were other people involved and responsible for this terrible act.

Again, the argument is built from silence, with a complete lack of any supporting evidence.

What are the odds that anybody will actually read this post? Answer: There's a 50% chance somebody will. Either they will or they won't.